1997-12-11 - Fall Orgo Night
College Reading Room of Butler Library
[March in to Roar]Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the coup d' etat against Austin Quigley, it's the most militaristic band in the world: The Columbia University Marching Third World Dictatorship.[fanfare]Featuring:
J. The Titanic - Once again sunk
J. Marv Albert - Covered in spunk
And J. George Rupp - Fucking drunk[fanfare]Welcomes itself back to dark, dank, decrepit, depressing, dreary, in need of renovation, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring class sizes on the way up, Columbia football on the way back down, and enhancement on the road to nowhere, presents its 26th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.[who owns]The band was saddened to hear of the recent death of Michael Hutchence, lead singer for the 80's rock group, INXS. It seems that hotel staff found him dead early in the morning of November 22, having apparently hanged himself, while completely naked, by his belt from the door of his hotel room. Two possibilities immediately leap to mind. Either he was doing an interpretive dance of INXS' recent career, or he masturbated himself to death. Yes, good old auto-erotic asphyxiation, last seen in the smash hit movie, Rising Sun. The process was widely known, of course, but until now it was thought to be practiced mostly by desperate 14-year-old boys and members of PiKA, not rock stars. When pressed for comment, police would only say that they found Hutchence to be "well-hung." As far as rock-star deaths go, Hutchence certainly managed the dying young part, but someone should have told him that "leaving a beautiful corpse" does not imply a fully erect penis. Hutchence managed to die a rock-star death more pathetic than drowning in a pool of his own vomit. The band would like to play a tribute to Hutchence and re-enact one of his greatest videos:[Band plays INXS' mediate and Scriptreader reenacts the video by dropping cards with the following: masturbate deviate wasn't that great incriminate asphyxiate self-mutilate had no mate strangulate g'day mate unfortun-ate flagellate can't get a date oscillate stimulate Little Man Tate suffocate elongate a curious fate she wouldn't inflate no satiate fornicate detoxicate the whore was late lubricate castrate eating some grapes scared the maid cum on a plate try not to grate I swear I'm straight lying in state emasculate humiliate Couldn't get laid]Jocelyn Elders, America's masturbation expert, could only shake her head and say, "if only he'd been taught proper masturbation technique in school. Loosen that belt-buckle, Michael!" She said she was pleased, however, that Mr. Hutchence managed to make the international sign for choking {Scriptreader makes masturbating gesture}The band now forms a penis and plays the theme from our favorite 80's show, "Diff'rent Strokes"[play Diff'rent Strokes]No, you weren't on acid last Tuesday. That really was a gigantic taco parading around outside Wien. Yes, rather than actually improving the quality of the food in the rodent infested grease pit that is the Wien Food Court, the administration deemed that the best way to win customers would be to dress up some poor work-study student in a giant taco suit. Then, when that surprisingly enough didn't drum up new business, they decided to give up and shorten the hours the place would be open. Unfortunately, this decision to shut down did not extend to the actual Wien dorm, which, strangely enough, remains a rodent infested grease pit. What can we expect next? Seven Layer Burrito Man? Rotisserie Chicken with 2 side dishes Man? Italian Wedding Style Soup Man? "Soda will not flow until door is closed" Man? When will the madness stop? The band found the only person we could trust to make sense of the matter: the Crazy Wien Lady. When asked about the taco man, she said [incoherent mumbling noise]. The band now forms a rodent infested grease pit and plays, "I hear you knocking, but, trust me, you don't want to come in."[Play Knocking]Terror struck the beloved Macy's Thanksgiving Parade this year, when a deranged Cat in the Hat balloon turned on its keepers and lashed out into the crowd, injuring a few and ruining the childhoods of countless innocent children. This was the first time ever that a balloon in the parade had gone rogue, leaving police unprepared. Thousands might have died that day had not a giant Mayor McCheese balloon come to the rescue and subdued the disobedient Cat with a giant, inflatable plunger. Some witnesses report seeing several of the creatures, including the Cat, doing whippits behind City Hall before the parade, and that one of the balloons had expressed a desire to "fuck the shit out of Jessica Rabbit." At least the children were spared that awful sight. The band now forms a plunger and plays "Beat It."[Play Beat It]You might have heard earlier in the semester that the mysterious Fu Foundation donated $20 million dollars to have its name attached to the engineering school. But do you know where that money's being spent? We in the band were curious, so we sent our crack SWAT team in to find out. They found an audit detailing some rather peculiar plans. For one thing, the Carlton Lounge is about to get more luxurious. Food in the cafe will now be served on highly collectible "Star Trek" commemorative plates, and high class whores will be available to students at a deep discount, because "even engineers need to get laid sometimes." For students of different sexual orientations, high class sheep will also be provided at a deep discount. Some have complained that the engineering library was lacking in quality. Not any more: a collection of every back issue of Omni magazine is on its way, along with a hardbound complete series of TI graphics calculator manuals: all the way from 81 to 92, baby. It seems that Engineering Dean Zvi Galil felt that his campus was lacking in the prestigous feel of Columbia College. No more. Now there's enough moneyto put up orange fencing everywhere. Whatever money is left over from the budget will be spent on crack. The band, in awe of these new developments, now forms a big pile of crack and plays "Carry on My Wayward Engineer."[Carry on] The makers of the infamous date-rape drug Rohypnol, or "Roofies," as it is known on the fraternity scene, announced recently that they would begin dyeing the pills blue, thereby making them harder to slip unnoticed into someone's drink. The news was met with quite a clamor on Columbia's 114th Street. Members of FIJI immediately painted their fire hydrant blue upon hearing the news, and Beta planned for a spring "Blue Whale" party. Meanwhile, Health services planned to release packages containing a Roofie, a dental dam, and a condom which is ribbed "for mutual pleasure." The company also planned to begin production of Roofies Lite, "because being assaulted shouldn't mean you have to lose your slim figure." Columbia's own FIJI placed an order for designer, purple Roofies. The request took on added urgency when it was announced that, by the year 2000, alcohol would be banned in all FIJI houses nationwide, thereby leaving Rohypnol as the only date-rape drug sanctioned for use by FIJIs. The band is keeping FIJI in our prayers. We know that Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters honored Mentos in a video, so we now form a roll of Roofies and play, in honor of: Roofies--The Date-raper!, a song from Dave Grohl's old band.[If possible, we should all (or at least all the miscies), hold up rolls of Mentos with "Roofies" written over the label. Play Smells.] And now, for you organic chemistry students, we'd like to offer a few study hints:A mole of ester is sensitive to the touch, a molester touches sensitive areas.An isotope has a couple of extra neutrons, an ISO-Type is missing many neurons.Uracil Hydroxide, or URH, forms unstable structures.And, interestingly enough, Deuterium was discovered in the basement of Havemeyer, whereas Deterioration has been discovered in the basement of every other Columbia building.On that note, the band now leaves Butler Library before it collapses. I mean, is renovated.[March out to Raw]